I’m Not Mad, I’m Hurt.

I’m not mad, I’m hurt and there is a difference. When I was 18 years old I came to the conclusion that I was going to be perfectly okay with spending the rest of my life with you despite all the obstacles we were going to need to overcome. The first one being your drinking, second the constant battle with your child’s mother and third the abuse, of course there were all the other things that most normal people go through but our relationship was never just normal. So here I am 4 years later after meeting you with a permanent protection order, selling my engagement ring to get rid of the damn thing and picking up the rest of the pieces I was left with. But mainly beating myself up for putting so much effort and love into a relationship that you weren’t capable of in the first place.

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The alcohol, so so SO much alcohol. I drove you to detox multiple times during our relationship to get you back on the right track when you had gone absolutely off them. And the danger I put myself in-getting in a car with you when you were completely black out drunk, throwing the car into park, pulling the keys out of the ignition and leaving me stranded in the car in the middle of a road. It’s a blessing that you never killed us both the multiple times you did this. All the times I’d leave for work and come home to you completely gone mentally or literally missing for hours on end. Think about the things I went through during those times. I couldn’t go serve tables for 5 hours without worrying about what I was going to have to face when I came home, you always had me on edge. I was willing to not celebrate my 21st how most normal people do if you were going to be clean and sober by then in order to show just how much I supported you being a better version of you. I was willing to live a completely different lifestyle, not experience the things I’ve always wanted to experience just to support you. Why? Because I just so happened to love you THAT much I was willing to give up the things that every other normal person gets to experience in life for YOU.

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The constant baby mama drama. If you weren’t ready for a relationship why’d you get into one? To put your daughter in the middle of it all? I was 18 when I jumped into the role you wanted me to be for your daughter and I was okay with it because I loved you both SO much. You and your ex never had your shit together and as much as you say you do now, we’ve all seen behind the show you two put on. All the times I had to stay behind from soccer games and other events in order to protect your ex’s feelings when she didn’t give a shit about yours or the benefit of her daughter?  All the texts, all the phone calls and court hearings-constant battling between her, your mom, her mom and you. As grown adults and parents, you should honestly be ashamed of the way you had acted. I truthfully hope you two got it together for the sake of your daughter’s well being as you so claimed in our last court hearing. Constant drama and you all drug me through it but did I mind? No because I only cared for the well being of the little one who was in between all this bullshit and for the father who was “losing” his daughter. In reality a bitter baby mama kept her away from everyone because he was with someone else, and continued to shit on his family after everything they had done for her. Who else would stay through that, holding your hand and standing up for you in every way possible when behind closed doors you were abusing them?

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The abuse. How in the hell can you look at some one, put a ring on their finger, tell them you want to spend the rest of your life with them, then turn around and beat the shit out of them? All the black eyes and bruises I had to lie about? Avoiding my family so they didn’t find out the truth? How? How can you do that to someone you “love”? All the times you’d blame me for whatever you were going through? You’d do a complete 180 turn in emotions from one of the most loving people to the ugliest monster I’ve ever encountered. I was no longer scared of the terrible shit going on in the world we live in, I was terrified of the monster sleeping next to me every night. Someone I should of been running to for protect I always found myself running from. The amount of physical, emotional and mental damage you did I don’t think you’ll ever TRULY understand.

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Even after all of this I’m not mad, I’m hurt. I’m hurt you didn’t change for me and our future we had always talked about building together. I’m hurt that you didn’t love me enough to not put away the bottle, I’m hurt that you put me through the things you put me through. I’m hurt you took time away from me, and took advantage of the love I gave you. I’m hurt that things ended the way they did after everything we had overcome in our time together. I’m hurt that I never got to say goodbye to the little one I took in as my own at SUCH a young age. I’m hurt you made it come down to this, not for just us but for everyone involved too. I’m hurt I talked and thought so highly of you when all you did was prove me wrong and made me look like a fool. A relationship takes two and you never showed up for it in the first place and that hurts me more than anything.

I’m not mad you put me through this because in the end I learned a hard lesson but it definitely hurt me along the way. I’m not worried though because just like the other things in my lifetime that you were MORE than aware of, but continued to put me through the same bullshit, I’ll overcome this too.

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Loving an Alcoholic

Loving an alcoholic, where do I even begin? Alcoholism is such an ugly “disease”, I put disease in quotations because I believe most people who have a drinking problem use it as a crutch…nothing more than another excuse to their shitty behavior. Sure it has a mental and physical affect but just like a heroin addict chose to shoot up the first, second and third time, an alcoholic chooses to lean on alcohol as a cooping mechanism. One thing before I really get into this…alcoholics can be just as bad sober as they can drunk. Most alcoholics get so dependent on liquor they obtain the shakes when they can’t get it into their body, if you don’t believe me read a few facts about alcoholism on here. If you’ve ever watched someone you love shake from withdrawing you know how you felt in that moment, questioning why they do this to themselves again and again. My experience with this was typical the morning after a really bad night with the alcoholic I use to love; he’d promise me he was going to change his ways after he had done something horrible to me the night before in a drunken rage. It seemed like love at the time but if it was love why would he have put me in that situation in the first place? It always came down to Me or Alcohol, as much as he said he wanted to choose me alcohol always took the lead. “So what?” you say, with the next one he won’t do that to her, okay but that’s what I thought too when I heard the story of the 3 girls before me. I (STUPIDLY) thought I could be the one to change him. And here is the honest truth: an alcoholic will not change for anyone, not their child, not their significant other, not their mother, not their little brother or sister. The ONLY person that can make an alcoholic change is themselves. That was one of the hardest pills I’ve ever had to swallow but that is the honest truth. An alcoholic has to be just as selfish to stop as they were to start.

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Let’s get something straight…alcoholism isn’t always bottles, it can be shooters that fill a trash can that add up to more than a bottle itself. Alcoholism isn’t always getting fucked up at a bar (or several) and stumbling your way home. Alcoholism is digging through the car for change to buy a double shot for $2, it is not eating to make sure you catch a buzz, it is having to take a double shot before work so your hands don’t shake during the day then taking another one (or two) on lunch. And loving an alcoholic during all of this? Yeah you must think I’m stupid, trust me looking back I constantly wonder why the hell I stayed for so long and put up with what I did. But when you love someone it’s easier said than done. I tried multiple times before I officially packed his things (thanks to the help of my kickass family) and sent all his stuff back to his mom’s house April 22nd, two days after he was arrested for drunkenly harming his mother and daughter. THAT was my breaking point, that was the first time after three years I called the cops to have him arrested. Alcohol can turn someone who you once wanted to create a life and build a home and family with into the most disgusting person you ever knew. But it doesn’t happen like that over night, it doesn’t take just one friend telling you that you’re in a horrible situation for you to realize and leave. It takes time and in that time there are so many cycles you will go through with the alcoholic you’re in love with. Right when you find the courage to put your foot down and leave they will do good long enough to get you to stay, then once they know you’re there for good they will fall right back into the bad part of the cycle; binge drinking to the point they will lose a job (or 6), cheating on you, getting physically angry at you for their failures or life obstacles and so much more. Remember this person usually feels bad about themselves so they throw shit on anyone around them to make themselves feel better.

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Loving an alcoholic is so much more than the financial burden they put on you. It is permanent physical, mental and emotional damage. It is months (or years) of therapy (which is so so SO healthy btw) after you leave someone to make sure your body is taken out of survival mode because that’s the condition you’ve unknowingly learned to live in. It is having scars that people question you about and having to relive what that person did to you that one night. Loving an alcoholic is feeling obligated to stay with them, after you’ve realized this is never going to work, because you love their child from their previously failed relationship and want to ensure she is safe when she is at Daddy’s house. It is holding that crying child out in the cold because she is scared and wants to leave after her father had a drunken outburst of anger and you can’t go back inside to even get keys because of the fear of what he will do to you in front of her. It is building forts, baking cookies and cupcakes and decorating them for Daddy when he wakes up from his drunk nap that no one can wake him from. Loving an alcoholic is the reason behind all those mental break downs you’ve had that just leave you laying in a ball on the floor crying because you are so stressed and your life has been taken out of your hands. It’s replacing a dresser the second time after he has destroyed yours again, finding your jewelry scattered across the room days later, it’s spending the day repairing the wall because he put another hole in it. Loving an alcoholic is hiding any proof of abuse from your family even though they have an idea something isn’t right and then eventually avoiding them at all costs so they don’t find out just how bad it really is. It is being afraid to come home after a late night at work because you’re scared he is drunk and you don’t know how drunk yet. Loving an alcoholic is sleeping in the car no matter the weather because you don’t want to have to share with another friend what you’re going through, but don’t want to face what is waiting for you inside the apartment. Loving an alcoholic is a Christmas tree, a now broken tv and presents scattered all over the living room floor because you told him you wouldn’t give him cash for “just a beer.”

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This is just the tip of the ice burg, this is just a glimpse of what it’s truly like; there are others who have stayed with someone who has a serious drinking problem for 20 plus years (OR MORE), I’m thankful to have escaped at 3. But the embarrassment, abuse and cycles I went through with my alcoholic ex will never be forgotten. I will always use them to help other women (or men) who feel helpless and stuck to show them life gets better after the storm you just have to learn to let go. It will be one of the hardest things that you will ever do, you’ll wonder what if they actually change this time around, what if they can’t stop drinking and I’m not there and they drink themselves to death, what about his kid when she is on his watch? STOP. There is nothing YOU can do to fix THEIR mistakes anymore, you deserve to live your own life too. You deserve happiness, not fear of what to expect when you get home, a promise of a future with the person you love; you deserve to find peace and safety in the person you love. Loving an alcoholic can teach you so many things about life so therefore I’m thankful; but the number one lesson I took from it is what not to allow another man to do to me in my future relationships. I don’t write this out of anger I write this in hope that someone who is in the same shoes that I was knows they are understood and not alone. Loving an alcoholic is so consuming, it can take everything you’ve ever strived to be and make you not even get the chance to think about it anymore. Loving an alcoholic becomes your life, to be there when they need a ride to the store, to be there when they’ve spent all their own money and now need to “borrow” yours. I don’t want anyone to ever feel what I felt, see what I saw, or go through what I went through. It is draining, it leaves you feeling empty, it is loving an alcoholic.

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My Story…well some of it

My name is Kelsey! I live in the beautiful Denver, Colorado but was born and raised in Twin Falls, Idaho for the majority of my childhood (WHOOP WHOOP 2T). I am a leasing consultant currently and plan on going back to school in the next year. For what?-I have not a clue (actually I have a few things in mind)! I just recently got out of a very unhealthy, three-year long relationship; my trial in those three years have left me working on becoming the healthiest version of me! My main mission is to better myself-mentally, emotionally and physically, help others where I can and enjoy life for what it truly is. I’ve always found a passion in writing, sharing my stories to help others as well as grow individually! SO with that said, I am very excited to start my blog to share what I’ve experienced in my 21 years and what I’m bound to venture through as well!  Stay tuned for the craziness of my hot mess life, lord only knows what I’ll get into and have to share with you!

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@ellykayphotography