Healing comes in waves. I have to take the bad days with the good days. I have days where I’m so proud of myself and how much I’ve overcome as well as accomplished in our time of being separated. I have days where I need to just cry to wash away my anger and hurt. I have days where I’ll be doing perfectly fine and then something will remind me of the bad times… or even worse the good times. I hurt, I cry and I always push through whatever it is that I’m going through mentally and emotionally that day. But on those days where you linger and haunt every inch of my thoughts? I have to read the letter I wrote right after the day everything went to shit to remember just how badly I was hurt and why I can’t ever go back to you. A protection order, even a permanent one, is still just a piece of paper. When you realize that a relationship is toxic and that there is never going to be a chance of going back to how things used to be-when they were good- it does something to you. I’ll one day find a way to explain that change and probably write a blog about it but for now I want to get this letter out of my hands since I won’t be able to in any other way. I want people to know just how badly I was hurt but still managed to stand up (with the help of my amazing family) and walk away. You can still love that toxic person, but you can’t be with them.
Here’s how it goes:
To the man I wanted to give my life to-
Michael-where do I even begin? Or do I even really need to start? I might feel the need to write this not for the benefit of you but myself. I also believe I have a better heart than to leave what we created-or what’s left of it so to say-without saying/giving you anything; whether you deserve it not. Here it goes.
First of all-fuck you. You know what you did wrong and I don’t believe I need to waste another minute of my time writing it out for you. Fuck you. I loved you asshole. No one-NO ONE– is perfect but god forbid you ever even try to change; or in better terms better yourself for the sake of your daughter. I don’t think-no actually I KNOW- you’ll never understand the pain anyone involved in your life has to deal with or has had to in the past. Fuck you for draining me financially, mentally and emotionally. But I will recover, don’t think twice about that-even from the shit place you left me in.
Second of all-thank you. Thank you for teaching me a lesson better learned young in life. And as far as I can see right now that’s all you’ll ever be besides a memory-is a lesson to me. Thank you for permanently leaving a memory as what not to do again; as well as scarring me: mentally, emotionally and sadly enough…physically. I’ll always have some damage to remember you by that’s for fucking sure.
With all the bad there thankfully comes some good to remember you by although I’m going to have a hard time getting it on paper… if I even can. I’ll miss your busted ass smile when you’re completely sober and something strikes you as funny and you truly smile and make that hilarious laugh while trying to cover it all up. Yeah I’ll miss those split two seconds of you. The way you hold me. But I missed that even in our relationship because more than half the time we were too upset with each other to even want to cuddle. But I’ll still miss that-specifically with you. This hurts. Bad. It’s been a long time coming though. And quite honestly shame on you for taking advantage of me and always dragging me back into the same vicious cycle that never stopped in the first place like you always claimed. But shame on me for being a fool.
The moment I watched you put your drunken hands on your mother who was carrying your child out to safety- I knew it was over. When you fought the cops it just ensured my decision to leave and stay gone. I’m writing this approximately 24 hours after the third officer who had to help/ assist in arresting your drunk ass left- after having to video me, take pictures of me and ask some of the most heart-wrenching questions I believe I will ever be asked again. But guess what I won’t have to do that again because I’m making-well already too far gone now-because I have made the ultimate decision to leave you.
The only thing left to say at this point and if anything, hopefully, this will be the the one thing that actually sticks with you. Take responsibility for your actions M—— G—–. No one else but yourself has gotten you to the point you are at in life. this is your life, if you want to continue to make it the “Pity Party of Michael” go ahead and live your ONE life that way. Your choice. If you want to make it what you once were capable of- a fucking great happy life- fucking do it. STOP making excuses and STOP putting the blame on everyone else but yourself. Did you get that? STOP making excuses and STOP putting the blame on everyone else but yourself.
I’m extremely hurt we ended this way but I can’t say I didn’t warn you, and you know that as well. Needless to say you shouldn’t have to be told as a 29-year old man when enough is enough. But here it is anyways- ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
Michael. One of the hardest but easiest goodbye to give. Please live your life to the best of your abilities, get your toes in the fucking sand and you better be holding that little girl’s hand as you do. And when you do-I hope you do-please think of me and know in that moment I’m happy for you two.
One Love. Kelsey Emery